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It took a tragedy to see what I haven’t seen in the past. What has the past 10 years of my life been missing? My girlfriends.

Let’s back up a little…
Ten years ago I graduated from High School. Some people hate HS, me, I loved it. I loved hs for one reason, my girlfriends. There were 6 of us girls that you could not separate. Sure we were broke up in 2s, Me and Morgan, Tiffany and Tiffany, Emily and Aimee. But I can assure you, you messed with one of us, you messed with us all. The past 10 years we have went our separate ways, but recently we have found each other again.

My life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. There were the first years of college where I was trying to adjust to being an adult. Hard years, lots of lessons to be learned. I was so inexperienced.

I started dating Bob. Which turned out to be horrible. I found his profile on facebook today and a photo he had up lead to the title of this post. The photo was of him but in the caption it stated, “What you can’t see…” Part of that was the horrible ex, which was me. This sent my mind racing in a few different directions. I don’t think it was me that was horrible. I don’t think it was him that was horrible. The relationship was horrible. We were young, stupid, crazy and broke. Those as a combination do not make for a good base of a relationship. When I look back on our relationship, I see some good times, some bad times and some fucking horrible times. But when I’m asked about it, I simply say, “He was a great guy, we just were not meant to be together. I hear he’s doing great. That makes me happy and I only hope him the best.” As a wise hippy once said, “Holding grudges is bad for your heart and soul.” I hope that some day I won’t be the horrible ex to him. At least write me off as a learning experience. That’s what I’ve been able to do.

Then come the internet/party girl/finding myself years as I call them. These years my social life was a swing. Up and down. I was either a recluse or out all the time. Either I didn’t want to date, or I was dating several men at the same time. I didn’t know where my happy medium was.

I had moved here to Jonesboro and really didn’t have a lot of friends from town. I turned to the internet and made several online friends. Do not get me wrong, I cherish these relationships like any others, but you just can’t run and have a drink with a friend who lives several states away.

The few friends I did have in town were party girls. While I love to go out from time to time, the bar scene is not for me.

Then I started trying to find myself. Who am I? What have I become? Where am I going? What do I want to do? What will make me happy? All of these questions are still not answered. But they are becoming clearer.

Nine months ago, I met someone who has changed my life completely. Mitchell has not only shown me what true love is, but without knowing it, has helped me find who I really am. I’ve also seen happiness for the first time in 10 years. I had forgotten what it was like to cry from laughing. I had forgotten to know what it was like to have someone hold you because you were crying from being sad. I now know what it is like to have someone love you for no other reason than they like who you are. There are no complications with us. We never question our love. We have a trust, a bond, a love that words could never describe. He’s let me in his son’s life. I fell in love with Gage just as I did Mitchell. And still with all of this in my life, I had an empty place.

Last night I rode with my “Tiffany’s” to a visitation of a friend we recently lost. With all the sadness we were sharing, I realized something amazing. Even though I have not visited with them in 10 years, we picked up like we hadn’t lost a day. We still had our chemistry and our bond. This is what has been missing in my life. My girlfriends.

I have found myself. I know I am a geeky girl who loves those close to her. I’m a good girlfriend, a good step mother, a good daughter, a good sister, a good aunt and a good friend. I have become these things a little on my own and a little with help. I still don’t know where I’m going or everything I want to do, but those things will come clearer as life moves on. I’m closer to excessive happiness than ever before. I can honestly say when people ask how I am doing, that I’m great. Life is damn near perfect.

So thank you Mitchell, Tiffany, Tiffany, Aimee and Morgan for helping me see what I haven’t been able to see.